Recently, my husband got an invitation that would normally have been an automatic “yes” for both of us.
His friends were visiting from out of state and wanted to get together. Nice people of course, and they’d come all this way – all the usual reasons to say yes.
But something stopped me.
I had recently started allowing myself to ask an unthinkable question: “Do I actually want to spend this time with them?”
The answer was immediate and clear: No. I really don’t.
Not because they’re not nice people. But spending time with them just drains me. The conversation always tends to circle around the same familiar stories that don’t involve me, and I always leave feeling empty and regretful of spending three hours of my life breathing through it instead of doing something more engaging and energizing.
So I told my husband I was opting out. He was totally fine with that. (Plot twist: he didn’t need me there to enjoy himself!)
That dinner opt-out was just one recent example of a pattern I’ve been developing – learning to actively choose what serves my energy instead of automatically saying yes when an invitation was given.
Opting out of an energy draining get together and IN to quiet, peaceful solo time in my happy place!
The Equation I’d Been Following Without Realizing It
Here’s what I started noticing: I’d spent most of my life operating from this unconscious equation that ‘available’ equals ‘obligatory’.
If someone invites you → you should go.
If content seems interesting or helpful or entertaining → you should consume it.
If you started something → you need to finish it.
If you paid for it → you shouldn’t waste it.
But when did I sign up to spend so much of my limited life energy on interactions, content, or experiences that don’t actually fill me up?
I’d gotten really good at talking myself into things that looked fine on the surface but simply left me feeling drained. I wasn’t saying yes to everything, but I was saying yes to things my body was saying a definite no to.
The evolution: I began paying closer attention to how different interactions actually felt, not just whether they made ‘sense’ on paper.
Learning to Protect My Life Force
Around the same time as that dinner decision, my husband had scheduled a meeting with a client to discuss new projects. He asked if I wanted to join since I’d been involved in the previous work.
I said a definitive ‘No’.
Not because I don’t care about our business or the client isn’t important, but because I’d begun noticing which types of conversations consistently drained me, and I was learning to honor that awareness.
I realized: My energy and sanity were more important than even a client’s potential feelings about my absence. Luckily, my husband handles conversations with this client with ease.
I was learning to protect my time, my energy, my life force like the precious and finite resources they actually are.
The Attention Diet Revolution
Once I started really paying attention, I realized how much of my energy was going toward consuming rather than creating.
- Books I forced myself to finish even after losing interest, because “I paid for it” or “I started it.”
- Meals I continued to eat because I’d ordered them, even when the first bite told me it wasn’t what I wanted.
- YouTube channels that provided perfectly good content, but left me feeling stuffed with just more information instead of inspired to act on my own ideas.
- Workshops and classes I’d continued to attend even when they weren’t delivering what I needed, because of the expensive investment.
The pattern was everywhere: I’d been consuming indiscriminately rather than actively curating what served my growth and joy.
This connects directly to how I approach my art – I never force a piece to become something it doesn’t want to be. I follow what wants to emerge, not what I think “should” happen. The same principle applies everywhere else.
This is what we almost missed by trying to do what we ‘should’ do in Montreal. Following curiosity instead of itineraries led us here.
When Curiosity Trumped Tourist Shoulds
The most beautiful example happened on a recent trip to Montreal and Vermont with a friend. After a horrendous travel day, we were ready to seize our first day in this new city. We immediately headed for Mont Royal – the city’s number one tourist attraction.
But on the walk there, something caught my eye. We were passing through McGill University when I spotted a huge dragonfly hanging from a ceiling through a window.
After investigating the sculpture, we ended up spending most of that morning in The Red Path – the university’s eclectic natural history museum.
That moment of following curiosity instead of the prescribed itinerary set the tone for the entire trip.
We discovered the most breathtaking botanical garden I’ve ever seen, found a playful “create your own photo shoot” studio where we laughed until our sides hurt, and stumbled upon giant plant-covered statues that felt like finding secret magic.
None of these experiences had been on any tourist list. Yet all of them were exactly what our souls needed.
The deeper lesson: When you stop following external “shoulds,” you create space for authentic discovery.
Permission to be present instead of productive. We discovered this wasn’t about seeing everything - it was about actually experiencing something.
Permission to Outgrow Paradise
I live five miles from the ocean in a vacation destination that millions of people visit every year. For years, I carried guilt about not going to the beach more often. “You’re so lucky to live here,” people would say. “I’d be at the beach every day.”
But I’ve evolved. The beach that once brought me joy now feels hot, sandy, exposed – not particularly restorative for me anymore.
I kept thinking I should enjoy it because of proximity and other people’s opinions about coastal living. Here I was, living where people spend thousands of dollars to vacation, and I was choosing to stay home.
Then I gave myself permission to be honest: I simply don’t love the beach anymore. And that’s okay. I’ve changed, and my preferences are allowed to change with me.
You don’t have to keep enjoying things just because you used to, or because other people think you should, or because millions of people would kill to have your access to it.
The Energy Audit Framework
After practicing this opt-out approach for awhile now, I’ve developed what I call the Energy Audit – a simple framework for evaluating what deserves my life force:
The Three Essential Questions:
1. Does this energize or drain me? Not whether it’s “good for me” or “important” – but whether it leaves me feeling more alive or more depleted.
2. Am I doing this from genuine interest or obligation? Obligation disguises itself as responsibility, but genuine interest feels like curiosity and excitement.
3. What becomes possible if I say no to this? Often we focus on what we might miss by opting out, but what opportunities for authentic experience open up when we create space?
This is what peace looks like when you stop fighting invisible rules and start following what feels right. Grounded. Centered.
Permission Slips You’ve Been Waiting For:
✓ You can leave movies you’re not enjoying, even if you paid for them
✓ You can put down books that no longer interest you
✓ You can skip social gatherings that consistently drain you
✓ You can unfollow, unsubscribe, and opt out of information that doesn’t serve you
✓ You can abandon courses, workshops, or commitments that aren’t delivering value
✓ You can change your mind about places, activities, or experiences you used to love
The Whitespace Revelation
Here’s what I discovered when I started actively curating instead of passively consuming: The magic happens in the whitespace.
When you stop filling every moment with other people’s content, ideas, and expectations, you create room for your own inspirations to emerge.
That evening I didn’t go to dinner? I spent it working on a mixed media piece that became one of my favorites.
The attention diet? I started trusting my own insights instead of constantly seeking external validation through consumption.
The pattern: Subtraction creates space for addition of what actually matters to you.
The Unexpected Side Effects
Since I started practicing active opt-out, some surprising things have happened:
- My relationships improved. When I show up somewhere, it’s because I genuinely want to be there. I’m more present, more engaged, more myself.
- My creativity exploded. With less mental clutter from unwanted information and draining interactions, my own ideas have room to breathe and grow.
- My energy stabilized. I’m no longer on the roller coaster of forcing myself through experiences that deplete me.
- My authenticity increased. I stopped pretending to enjoy things I don’t actually enjoy, which means my real enthusiasm can shine brighter.
The Art of Energetic Discernment
This isn’t about becoming a hermit or avoiding all challenges. It’s about developing energetic discernment – the ability to distinguish between what genuinely serves your life and what just feels like you “should” engage with it.
Some things that challenge you are worth the energy investment because they expand who you’re becoming. Other things just drain because they’re misaligned with your values, interests, or current growth edge.
The difference? One leaves you feeling stretched in a good way. The other leaves you feeling emptied out.
Art found by wandering, not by following a prescribed path. Sometimes the most meaningful discoveries happen when you trust your own compass.
Your Permission Slip
Here’s the truth no one tells you: You’ve always had the right to opt out. You just forgot you had it.
Every “yes” is also a “no” to something else. Every hour spent in obligation is an hour not spent in authentic choice.
Your life is a buffet where you get to choose what you want and what you don’t. You don’t have to try everything just because it’s available.
You are allowed to be selective. You are allowed to choose based on what actually serves your growth, joy, and authentic expression.
When you start actively curating your life experience, you give everyone around you permission to do the same. You model what it looks like to honor your own energy and authentic preferences.
The beautiful thing about honoring your own energy? Everyone else suddenly remembers they have their own too.
This piece originally appeared in expanded form on Medium’s Contemplate! publication, where I explore the deeper philosophy behind conscious life curation. Read the full article here.
Ready to start curating your own life experience? I share regular insights about conscious living and breaking invisible rules in my newsletter, The Freeflow Rebellion. Join others learning to trust their inner compass over external expectations. Join us here!
Want to see how this philosophy shows up in my art? Browse my galleries to see what emerges when you stop following rules and start following what wants to happen.
